I'm sitting here thinking about "attempting" another blog post...but not so sure if I can through everything...with a fussing 2 yr old by my side. Ironic, based on what I want to blog about (as you'll hopefully read). I should just close the laptop and play with him, right?! Well, he's only fussing for me to hold him and reality is that my life doesn't quite revolve around him so...I'll try moving to the floor and he can just play around me. Or ON me, ok Judah, whatever works!:)
So I REALLY feel like I'm being worked on, changed, challenged, grown...in the way I 'mother'. It's been a week of so many different, exciting, scary, uncertain thoughts but I sense them from the Lord and so mostly it's just exciting (ok, and scary). *Judah is currently on my back, sticking a pen through my braid, which is pulling my hair, but hey, at least he's no longer screaming, right? These are the things I'll be enduring, and learning to love, more often.*
Let me just start by saying, for those of you don't know me, that I have 4 amazing children. Mayah just turned 7, Alayna will be 6 in Sept (they're 15 mos apart), Jakob is 3 1/2 and Judah just turned 2. We didn't quite plan on having 4 kids in 5 years but hey, this is what we've been given! *Judah's on to hammering on his tool set now, too bad Glenn's trying to sleep in prep for working all night, but it's so much easier typing sitting up, without a 2 yr old my your back!* Where was I? So, we've had baby's for the past 7 yrs really and just NOW starting to get out of the baby stages. And with Jakob (finally) potty-training, we're down to only ONE in diapers...vs. having two in diapers most of our parenting years:) All of that to explain that we've mostly been in "immediate-care" mode. This includes all of the daily needs of dependent children: feeding, clothing, bathing, wiping, teeth-brushing, hair-brushing and doing, playing with, reading to, disciplining, putting to bed and getting out of bed, teaching, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc,....you get the picture I'm sure! I FINALLY feel like we're somewhat getting out of that constant-ness of doing everything for everyone. Mayah can shower herself and Alayna is well on her way so now we're mostly down to just bathing 2 kids vs. 4. It's the little things like this that is moving us into a new stage, and me into a new way of mothering!
During most of the past 7 years, my focus (I'm saying "my" because this is my blog post, BUT please know that Glenn is right in this with me) has been the primary care of 4 kids, of their physical needs MUCH more than their other needs. I'm so thankful that the Lord is opening my mind and heart at this very time, when it's so badly needed, to change my focus from primary care to spiritual nurturing!!! I feel like up 'til this point I've been fairly apathetic regarding their well-being. Like I just haven't invested ALL that they need to grow in the Lord, grow into godly characters and grow into who the Lord wants them to be.
Believe me, I'm not claiming to know how to do this well yet...it's just what the Lord is stirring up in me, what He's giving me a passion for. My passion in life, as a young girl, was to be a wife & mom, and a nurse. I am all 3 of those. My passion has still been nursing, even though I haven't worked in that field, really since Mayah was born. During a recent sermon at church, that pastor spoke on how we should align our passion in life with furthering God's kingdom, because most likely he puts a passion in us, a burning desire in our hearts, for what we're GOOD at, for what HE can use us in to enhance HIS kingdom. I felt so strongly that day that since my passion is, was, always has been nursing, that I should pursue that again. I even cried that morning, having felt such a stirring from the Holy Spirit. (And I don't often cry, since I'm on zoloft...just throwing out more honesty):) I even went so far as a meeting with a nursing counselor at HACC, applying to and being accepted to school there, in hopes of furthering my nursing degree. Then reality, once again, set in and I thought "how in the world can I go to school right now? with my kids in the stages they're in?" So I decided to put that off for some more, not sure when that right time will be....
But is the Lord changing my passion? Is HE giving me a new passion? Is all of this part of the work He's still doing in me??? I don't yet know but I have some suspicions;)
One of the biggest things I've been pondering this week is how to be the kind of mother that the Lord is calling me to be, calling us as Christian moms to be. There are 1001 (plus a few) ways that we can read on how to be the best mom to our kids...secular views and "christian" views alike. There are even MORE pressures put on us as to what kind of woman, parent, wife, etc, etc, etc to be. I feel like most of these very ideas are what causes so much of my guilt, my lack of self-worth, my frequent doubt in how I mother. All of this is right where the enemy wants me, wants us...having a little pity-party for where we are in life. Well, to this I have been given an idea (I believe from the Lord). I am going to TRY to throw pretty much all of that by the way-side and listen no more! You might be wondering what advice I'm going to learn from now then, in how I mother? Good question and here's my answer....GOD and HIS WORD! I'm starting to study what the Bible has to say about what kind of mother (& woman) I should be, and try to make those things my new standards, NOT what the world says, and not even necessarily what other believers have to say (especially if it contradicts God's word)....ok, feel free to gasp in horror because I said I won't even listen to christians anymore***I won't be able to hear you:) Seriously though, while I feel like, and I know, that there are many godly woman who have MUCH godly advice to offer on this topic, even THAT adds undue pressure. I think to myself, "well if that woman said/does/teaches/disciplines/dresses/acts/decorates/meal-plans/mothers THAT way (and she's just SO amazingly awesome) then I too must say/do/teach/discipline/dress/act/decorate/meal-plan/mother that way too!" duh, kendra!
That's sorta the old me. I say "sorta" because we don't change overnight, or even in a week, but it's a process and THESE are things that are running through my mind lately. I only have to align my mothering with what the LORD says, not what anyone else says, right? RIGHT! How freeing of a realization this is for me! Now to research just what the bible DOES say about I'm to mother. Well today is just the beginning of some of my "research" and as you can imagine, there have been just a few interruptions. Oh well, that's my life and I'm finding JOY it in:)
One of the verses I came across this morning is Deut. 6: 6-7. "And you commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your foreheads as reminders. Write them on your doorposts and on your gates."
Vinyl wall decals anyone?:) I just picked up 3 at Berean yesterday at 50% off. I'll share some pics in another post...
May the Lord TRULY bless each of you mother's today, in some way that's clearly evident to you!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Brutal honesty
So I have decided to change my blog, in which I've rarely written in anyhow. My new title is "Simply Me". You'll find out that it'll most likely be about MANY others, besides myself, but I've chosen this title because it's simply what I think, what runs through MY mind. Perhaps sharing some brutal thoughts will encourage, challenge and interest some of you...time will tell!
Unfortunately today most likely won't be the encouraging post, this is a time where I just want to/need to journal some of my thoughts. I could easily choose to journal them privately but I thought that since I'm struggling with MUCH, others might be as well and perhaps realizing that "we're" in the same boat could bring us some (sick sort of) comfort:)
My life is mostly crazy these days. Glenn works 12 hr shifts, often leaving me during the dinner hour when my exhaustion from kids starts to kick in. Afterwards I still am left with clean up, baths, bedtime, bedtime DRAMA, etc, etc....however, he DOES only work 2 or 3 days in a row so every few days I have him home for a few days! Did I mention he works nights?:) He's a cop too and so adds on the worry and fear of losing him some day. It's such a dreadful, morbid thing to think about but some night when I'm REALLY tired and sad, I imagine this with such realistic thoughts, I've almost convinced myself that someday it WILL be my reality, my children's reality. Then I tell the Lord that I CAN handle anything, THROUGH HIS STRENGTH....while also begging Him NOT to take my husband from me prematurely. What is prematurely anyways? I don't know, I guess while our kids are still so small and exhausting....
I think I'm having a bit of a pity party for myself today, so feel free to stop reading this at any time;) Beyond being responsible for my kids, alone, often, there's the dreaded house responsibilities.....UGH! I've never enjoyed cleaning, although I have heard of such people!:) If I'm cleaning someone elses house, alone, uninterrupted and getting paid, well then I don't mind it but MY house? no thanks! However, after I get STARTED, it never ends up being so bad and the end result of much needed-cleanliness is a great reward. Mostly though my house is either clean and messy, or dirty and picked-up...hardly ever clean AND picked-up though. In some ways I'm learning to just live with/deal with/be okay with this because it's just our way of living right now. With small kids there will by toys, and spills, and messes, and crumbs and clutter and stuff....mostly everywhere. Currently an ant community lives on my dining room floor, due to 24/7 source of food, a.k.a. crumbs from the table! And guess what? I'm OKAY with that...as long as they're not venturing TOO far into the kitchen and into food and dishes. About 2 weeks ago I decided rather than dragging the vacuum cleaner out of it's closet 3 times a day I just needed to keep it right near the dining room table, for easy & frequent access. Although the thought of it sitting in the dining room all the time didn't sit well with me either...(extra clutter). So I revamped a picture collage/room divider thingy and added current pictures to it. Now it sits in the corner of the dining room, displays family pictures and kids art work, AND hides my vacuum and steam mop!
Enough about cleaning, now on to laundry. I think laundry is my biggest enemy of life, well fairly big at least! I don't think I have to say much about this stressor because the work LAUNDRY pretty much speaks for itself...am I right?!:) It might be clean but it lives folded in baskets, more than put away in drawers!
Cooking and meals is another area that gives me headaches. I think my kids eat some combination of peanut butter, jelly, butter sandwiches about 5 out of 7 lunches a week. I'm just thankful that peanut butter is a protein! I've been in a meal rut for about the past 6 months. I love the ideas of meal planning, recipes, shopping and cooking from sale flyer's, etc...but I just haven't found anything that sticks. Yes, I've also tried E-Mealz (in case you were thinking of suggesting it).
I guess that last BIG area is finances. Why wouldn't it be? Not that it's out of control (yet) but bills/bookwork/budgets....it's just one more area that weighs on my mind, leading to a great sense of being overwhelmed.
And THIS is the description of ME lately...OVERWHELMED! I've mentioned all of the above because it's these very things that make me feel this way...and it's a feeling TOO familiar, and TOO frequent. Insert GUILT as well!!! Feeling this way makes me feel even MORE guilty, isn't that dumb? it hardly makes sense! As a young girl, my greatest desires in life were to be a wife and a mom! God has SOOOO greatly blessed me with Glenn, Mayah, Alayna, Jakob and Judah....I feel so grateful and thankful that this desire is now reality. So then I can't figure out why I struggle with the responsibilities that my dream/desire involve? Shouldn't I be happy to be doing all that goes with marriage and motherhood? Okay, I realize that not EVERYTHING would earn my happiness (like who would be happy about cleaning up vomit, or even being puked ON?)....but I should at least enjoy my "jobs" somewhat, right? I think so....I wish so.....
Don't get me wrong, there are moments when I totally see and feel the blessings and awesome moments in my life, I do! However, mostly I just feel overwhelmed, exhausted and stressed by it all. And that's my reality right now (at least that's better than a reality without Glenn)!
Maybe I'm bipolar because tomorrow I may feel totally different......
Unfortunately today most likely won't be the encouraging post, this is a time where I just want to/need to journal some of my thoughts. I could easily choose to journal them privately but I thought that since I'm struggling with MUCH, others might be as well and perhaps realizing that "we're" in the same boat could bring us some (sick sort of) comfort:)
My life is mostly crazy these days. Glenn works 12 hr shifts, often leaving me during the dinner hour when my exhaustion from kids starts to kick in. Afterwards I still am left with clean up, baths, bedtime, bedtime DRAMA, etc, etc....however, he DOES only work 2 or 3 days in a row so every few days I have him home for a few days! Did I mention he works nights?:) He's a cop too and so adds on the worry and fear of losing him some day. It's such a dreadful, morbid thing to think about but some night when I'm REALLY tired and sad, I imagine this with such realistic thoughts, I've almost convinced myself that someday it WILL be my reality, my children's reality. Then I tell the Lord that I CAN handle anything, THROUGH HIS STRENGTH....while also begging Him NOT to take my husband from me prematurely. What is prematurely anyways? I don't know, I guess while our kids are still so small and exhausting....
I think I'm having a bit of a pity party for myself today, so feel free to stop reading this at any time;) Beyond being responsible for my kids, alone, often, there's the dreaded house responsibilities.....UGH! I've never enjoyed cleaning, although I have heard of such people!:) If I'm cleaning someone elses house, alone, uninterrupted and getting paid, well then I don't mind it but MY house? no thanks! However, after I get STARTED, it never ends up being so bad and the end result of much needed-cleanliness is a great reward. Mostly though my house is either clean and messy, or dirty and picked-up...hardly ever clean AND picked-up though. In some ways I'm learning to just live with/deal with/be okay with this because it's just our way of living right now. With small kids there will by toys, and spills, and messes, and crumbs and clutter and stuff....mostly everywhere. Currently an ant community lives on my dining room floor, due to 24/7 source of food, a.k.a. crumbs from the table! And guess what? I'm OKAY with that...as long as they're not venturing TOO far into the kitchen and into food and dishes. About 2 weeks ago I decided rather than dragging the vacuum cleaner out of it's closet 3 times a day I just needed to keep it right near the dining room table, for easy & frequent access. Although the thought of it sitting in the dining room all the time didn't sit well with me either...(extra clutter). So I revamped a picture collage/room divider thingy and added current pictures to it. Now it sits in the corner of the dining room, displays family pictures and kids art work, AND hides my vacuum and steam mop!
Enough about cleaning, now on to laundry. I think laundry is my biggest enemy of life, well fairly big at least! I don't think I have to say much about this stressor because the work LAUNDRY pretty much speaks for itself...am I right?!:) It might be clean but it lives folded in baskets, more than put away in drawers!
Cooking and meals is another area that gives me headaches. I think my kids eat some combination of peanut butter, jelly, butter sandwiches about 5 out of 7 lunches a week. I'm just thankful that peanut butter is a protein! I've been in a meal rut for about the past 6 months. I love the ideas of meal planning, recipes, shopping and cooking from sale flyer's, etc...but I just haven't found anything that sticks. Yes, I've also tried E-Mealz (in case you were thinking of suggesting it).
I guess that last BIG area is finances. Why wouldn't it be? Not that it's out of control (yet) but bills/bookwork/budgets....it's just one more area that weighs on my mind, leading to a great sense of being overwhelmed.
And THIS is the description of ME lately...OVERWHELMED! I've mentioned all of the above because it's these very things that make me feel this way...and it's a feeling TOO familiar, and TOO frequent. Insert GUILT as well!!! Feeling this way makes me feel even MORE guilty, isn't that dumb? it hardly makes sense! As a young girl, my greatest desires in life were to be a wife and a mom! God has SOOOO greatly blessed me with Glenn, Mayah, Alayna, Jakob and Judah....I feel so grateful and thankful that this desire is now reality. So then I can't figure out why I struggle with the responsibilities that my dream/desire involve? Shouldn't I be happy to be doing all that goes with marriage and motherhood? Okay, I realize that not EVERYTHING would earn my happiness (like who would be happy about cleaning up vomit, or even being puked ON?)....but I should at least enjoy my "jobs" somewhat, right? I think so....I wish so.....
Don't get me wrong, there are moments when I totally see and feel the blessings and awesome moments in my life, I do! However, mostly I just feel overwhelmed, exhausted and stressed by it all. And that's my reality right now (at least that's better than a reality without Glenn)!
Maybe I'm bipolar because tomorrow I may feel totally different......
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